Translation of a satiric article by Bankimchandra Chattopadhyay published in the Bengali periodical "Bangadarshan" 1875.
Reviewing the old year at the
commencement of the New Year is convention followed by newspapers. Bangadarshan
is not a newspaper; hence it is not mandatory for Bangadarshan to do an annual
review. But don’t we have an aspiration to write one? Many of us aim living a
royal life even though not born royal; and many of dark Bengalis dress in pantaloons
and coat to look like Englishmen. Similarly, we being small monthly publication
are also taking an attempt to imitate mighty influential newspapers.
But the fate of human race prevents its
desires from being fulfilled, whenever whatever desire is there. The New Year comes
in Bengali month Poush*1; and we are writing for the month
Agarahayan*2. Oh dear! That is anticipating an event before its taking
place – similar to telling the story of Ram before he was born! Fortunately, Bangadarshan does not follow any
rule of writing – while the periodical is in fact, despotic! Hence, we will not
suppress our desire of becoming reviewer and will review the year 1875 in
Bengali Agrahayan. Dear Last year - be careful – we are going to review you!
As we have conducted an investigation
regarding the administrative performance of Last year, we came to know that
there were exactly three hundred sixty five days in that year – not a day less
than that. Each day consisted of twenty four hours and each hour consisted of
sixty minutes. We did not get any of these lesser than usual.
None of the administrative officers
intervened in this. This is sign of their wisdom. Some say that it would be
better if this year had a few days less. We do not approve this proposition.
With lesser days in a year, only the service-holders gain extra payment and
Newspapers columnists have lesser work in hand – but that does not help a
commoner. (We publish a monthly – none will be ready to accept lesser than
twelve issues in a year). But a ban on
summer will be appreciated. We appeal the authority to draft a law to ensure
that all twelve months of the year belong to winter.
We are sorry to know that each on us
lost one year of our lifespan last year. We do not completely believe it. There
is proof before our eyes that last year we were seventy one and this year we
became seventy two. How come this one year is added if one year is stolen? Only
critics could have spread a rumour like this!
The year was actually great – and this
is evident from the fact that many babies were born last year. The efficient
employees of Tistimestel department came to know from a special investigation
that some did give birth to male children, some female children and some had
miscarriage. Unfortunate is that some humans, not many, did die of diseases. We
have heard that a national confederation will appeal to parliament against
death. No person in this sacred land should die. In case of death being necessary,
every citizen of this land will have to take permission from police before
dying.
The performance of finance department
was truly splendid this year – we have heard that the Government earned revenue
and they did spend as well. Be the news wonderful or not, the wonderful fact it
– the Government fund went either surplus or reduced or perfectly balanced. It
is still unpredictable whether some new tax will be imposed next year (‘76) –
but we will be definitely able to tell that by April ’77.
We are not able to praise the way
judiciary functioned last year. True that the legal processes for those who
filed case, are on the way or will be started soon. But there is no process for
those, who did not file a petition. We are not able to comprehend this scenario.
Wherever there is a law court, there has to be judgements – be a petition filed
or not. The Sun-god gives light to everyone independent of anyone’s appeal; the
cloud pours rain once in a while, be anyone wants rain or not. Therefore, the
judge should give judgement considering the affairs of every home. If some say
that some broomsticks* may cause sudden interruption in case judges reach every
home to confer judgement, then we must explain that Government employees are
not scared of broomsticks. The low-profiled judges are already familiar with
that – they have a communication with that almost every day in their own homes.
As peacock loves snakes, they love broomsticks – take a beating of it wherever
available. We have heard that some lower division employees of the Government
proposed that as long as there is an award “Order of the Star of India” to
honour senior Government employees, there should be another award “Order of the
Broom” for junior Government employees as well. Extraordinarily efficient
deputies, sub-judge and officials should be selected for this award. Each of
them should be awarded with a broomstick tied with a rope, hanging from their
neck like medals. It will look fabulous on their ever trembling chest dressed
in coat and chain and shawl. We can definitely tell that the honour will be
appreciated if it comes as a bonus from the Government. We are worried of only
one thing – there will be so many aspirants for this honour that probably
arranging those many broomsticks will be difficult.
Monsoon was good last year but the
amount of rainfall was not same everywhere. This is a biased treatment from the
part of clouds. People from the places, which experience low rainfall, appealed
to Government to determine a method to ensure same amount of rainfall
everywhere. As per our understanding, a committee should be established to find
out a way. Some of our honourable colleagues expressed an opinion that if
Government declares an allowance for the clouds, then there should not be any
objection from the cloud’s part against moving to the draught regions. But we
do not think that this proposal would have an effective outcome. The clouds of
Bengal are in love with thunderbolts – will never be ready to shift to some
other country even for hike. We propose the abolition of clouds and deployment
of water-carriers instead. A long bamboo pole could be placed on every piece of
land. An office-bearer or an efficient Deputy may supervise a process of tying
up an water-carrier with the higher end of the bamboo-pole. After sprinkling
water on the fields from there, the carrier may come down. Isn’t it a good
idea?
The women of our country are devoid of
patriotism. Otherwise they could sprinkle the entire tear they shed everyday on
domestic issues going to the fields – it would save lot of irrigation effort in
agricultural fields. And cloud department could be abolished instantly.
However, considering the health and psychological status of people, we would
propose deploying police force to guard the fields if women’s tear is ordered
instead of rain from the clouds. Thunderbolt do not take life of many; but we
are not sure what may happen to the simple farmer’s sons in the middle of the
fields, if they are struck by the glance thrown by the corner of our women’s
eyes – there must be police pickets to help.
We have heard that lot of issues
emerged in the education department last year. Sources say that some of the
students invented a measuring scale to measure the level of deafness of the
teachers. They are doubtful of their teacher’s listening skills and not ready
to learn from the teachers without testing it. Hope the measuring tool is not
too short?
However – be the Last year a bad one
or a good one – we have learnt three very important facts beyond doubt.
Firstly, the year is over. There is no conflict of opinion regarding this.
Secondly, the year has been passed never to come back. None should try to
convince it to return – your effort will be of no avail. Thirdly, whether it
comes back or not, dear reader! – It does not make a difference to you and me.
To you and me, the year ’75 showed mare’s nest and the year ’76 will show the
same mare’s nest. May God bless you – please take care of your mare’s nest.
*1
December\ January
*2
November\ December
* There are jokes about Bengali housewives’
using broomsticks to drive trespassers away from home and also to beat their
husbands.
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